finalmente … il mio primo post di questo anno!

Well, this is my first official post this 2013 (finally)… Took me two weeks to create one. I don’t know, whenever I attempt to write something, my mind suddenly goes off somewhere (lol). How’s my Christmas, if you might ask? Honestly? Loneliest Christmas ever. It really isn’t fun when you’re away from your family during this season. 

 

 

The worst part is that they are all in Manila, including my cousins from Australia, so what the hell! How lonely can I get, right? They’re all there having fun, getting all drunk and wasted while I’m here still working during the holidays. Sucks big time. I don’t know besides the fact that it was a no fun holiday, I didn’t even get the chance to hear mass on Christmas day T_T. That was the first time (and I hope it’s the last) that I wasn’t able to go to church and it was a big thing for me. It was so depressing really… So after talking to everyone on the phone, I just decided to dose off to lessen the depression and homesickness (haha poor me). And with that horrible experience I swear, I’ll be spending Christmas at home this year. By hook or by crook.

Katotohanan Patungkol sa pagmamahal…

Saw it in one of my friend’s notes in fb..

Then I remembered how and when I started writing blogs myself. I browsed them for the second time and laughed at some stuffs I didn’t think I could even share. Stuffs pertaining to pain, Happy moments, crazy stuffs and petty stuffs too of course.

I came to the point where I realized that no matter how simple life may be, when Love enters the scene, it becomes complicated no matter how hard you try to let it stay as simple as it can be. Funny but true, when you get butterflies in your stomach, you write stuffs… When you get hurt, you write even more stuffs… and ain’t it funny how we can produce a lot of thoughts when it hits us. Try writing stuffs when you’re alone, sitting on your porch, with nothing to do but just sit and just stare at those around you. Yeah you can write, a sentence or two.. but try writing when you’re in love on in pain… a novel is nothing compared to what you can write. =) well here it is..

KAHIT GAANO KALAKING PROBLEMA PA ANG DUMAAN. KAHIT ILANG TAO PA ANG MANGGULO AT MANIRA, HINDI BASTA – BASTA MABUBUWAG ANG ISANG SAMAHAN KUNG PAREHO KAYONG NAGTITIWALA.

HINDI BATAYAN ANG TAGAL NG PINAGSAMAHAN.  KUNG HINDI ANG ORAS, PAGMAMAHAL, RESPETO AT TIWALA NA IBINIBIGAY NYO SA ISA’T – ISA.

DAPAT MATUTO KANG MAG BALANSE.IBIGAY MO ANG ORAS MO.
HINDI MAN LAHAT NG ORAS NA MERON KA PERO SIGURADUHIN MONG HINDI ITO LATAK LANG.

AANHIN MO ANG ANG ISANG TAGAL NG RELASYON KUNG HINDI NAMAN ITO NAPUPUNUAN NG ORAS AT PAGMAMAHAL?

MAHALIN MO SIYA NG BUO AT WALANG PAGDUDUDA. WALANG TAONG PERPEKTO PERO MAY MGA TAO NA HANDANG MAGBAGO MAGING KARAPAT- DAPAT LANG PARA SA TAONG MAHAL NILA. HINDI ITO PAGKALIMOT SA KUNG SINO KANG TALAGA PERO ITO’Y ISANG PAGPAPATUNAY NA NAGMAMAHAL KA.

IRESPETO ANG ISAT- ISA. ANG KANIYANG KARAPATAN AT PANINIWALA.

HINDI LANG NAMAN ITO PURO PAG – IBIG. LAHAT NG TAO AY MAY SARILING PAG – IISIP. HUWAG MO SIYANG DIKTAHAN AT SABIHIN KUNG ANO SA IYONG PALAGAY ANG TAMA AT MALI.

HINDI SIYA ROBOT. MAY MGA TAO NA DAHIL MAHAL NILA AY HINAHAYAAN NA NILANG DIKTAHAN SILA. MALI. DAHIL HINDI NAMAN IBIG SABIHIN NA NAGMAMAHAL KA AY KAKALIMUTAN MO NARIN NA MAY PAG IISIP KA.

MAG TIWALA. HINDI MABUBUO ANG ISANG RELASYON KUNG HINDI NINYO KAYANG IBIGAY ANG INYONG TIWALA.

KAHIT ANO PA ANG INYONG NAPAGDAANAN. GAANO MAN ITO KASAKIT AT KAHIRAP, IBIGAY MO ULIT ANG IYONG TIWALA, HINDI MAN LAHAT.

MAHIRAP MAGING PRANING.SASAKTAN KA LANG LALO NG IYONG PAGDUDUDA.
GUGUSTUHIN MO BANG TUMAGAL ANG INYONG RELASYON NA PURO KA LANG PAGDUDUDA?

PAANO KA MAGIGING TUNAY NA MASAYA KUNG IBINIBIGAY NA NIYA ANG LAHAT PERO HINDI MO ITO NAKIKITA DAHIL HINDI KA NAGTITIWALA?  SINASAYANG MO NA ANG PAGMAMAHAL NA IBINIBIGAY NIYA, SINASAKTAN MO PA ANG SARILI MO DAHIL SA WALANG KATAPUSANG PAGDUDUDA.

WALANG PERPEKTONG RELASYON. PERO HNDI ITO NANGUNGUHULUGANG WALA NARING TUNAY NA PAGMAMAHAL. KAILANGAN LANG NATIN BUKSAN ANG ATING PUSO AT ISIPAN AT MALAMAN KUNG PAANO NATIN ITO TATANGGAPIN. DAHIL TAYO ANG NAGTATATAG AT NAGSISIRA NITO.

MAY PAGPIPILIAN KA, PAHAHALAGAHAN MO BA ITO O PABABAYAAN?

You are the visitor, and I am the vacation…

You are coming to visit so I will tidy up this room, I will change the sheets and flip the pillows and set the clock right so you’ll know exactly what time it is. I will clean up all the mess so that when you arrive, you will feel like no one has ever been here before.

I will wait by the window, I will help you with your bags and I will hide my disappointment when the weight of your suitcase confirms it: you won’t be staying long. This is just a visit, you are just a visitor; I am a vacation.

You will ask me for a tour and I will take you room by room: the living room that seat isn’t yours, the kitchen ignore the photographs, the bedroom don’t open the closet, the bathroom stay out of that drawer. Then the guestroom: sanitized to your liking, fit for someone new, and if you wander out of it I can’t promise that you’ll like what you find. There’s only so much space to hide the things others have left behind.

We will share a drink or four; we’ll get to talking. You’ll be aware of how foreign I am, this is, it’ll take some getting used to but soon enough you’ll find familiarity in this lived-in space. It will remind you of a time when you called someplace home.

And you’ll remind me of a time when life felt less cold, when summer was endless, when I could pad around barefoot on wooden floors. When body heat was mass-produced between these four walls — on very cold nights, even I have trouble believing that it ever happened. But right now I believe it because it is warm, you are warm, you are a vacation.

You will shed your tourist skin and I will let you open that drawer, sit in that seat, look at those photographs. We will play house and it will feel wrong and right, all things considered. All things like, you have no intention of staying. All things like, I knew that before I let you in. All things like, can’t we suspend the inevitable and have breakfast in bed one more time? Things like that.

Your last day here will sneak up on us, even though the clock in the guestroom announced it was approaching. One belabored tick at a time. On that day, your open suitcase on the bed will reveal what we always knew we were: a visitor, a vacation, a guest, a distraction. We will stand in the doorway for longer than what’s comfortable and you will remark that your luggage feels heavier. Everything will feel heavier.

When you walk out of the door, a draft will rush in to fill the space you once occupied. And I have to accept with a heavy heart the fact that you are only a visitor, and I am the vacation…

 

For you…

Dear you,

Never give up on someone who makes you truly happy, regardless of what it is that separates you or makes you doubt…

When you find that person who loves you for everything you are, and I mean everything. Every last quirk, every bad habit, every fear, every hope, every dream; you realize that even though you’re thousands of miles apart, when you close your eyes, it’s like they are there, and they have always been there. You’ll realize that even though they aren’t there with you, they always have been, and they always will be, in your heart.

“I’m the beat in your heart, I’m the moonlight shining down, I’m the whisper in the wind, and I’ll be there ‘till the end, Can you feel the love that we share? Oh I’m already there.” – When the distance seems to be to much to bear, just think about those words, and you will realize that they are true.

Never give up on someone just because the distance becomes overwhelming. If I had given up I wouldn’t be what I am today. But still, there’s always something missing, If you know me, you’d definitely know what it is… I don’t even know why we ended up this way, my feeling was never an issue – at least for me it isn’t.  Don’t listen to anything negative anyone else says, they only bash because they aren’t capable of loving someone on a whole other level, like we do, like we always have and like we always will.

I’ve learned that waiting is the most difficult bit, and I want to get used to the feeling, knowing that you’re with me, even when you’re not by my side…

til we see each other again…

한분연

‘Til we meet again…

I was at work when the 2nd game versus Ateneo began. I was so excited that I felt like I was in College again, and I am a thousand miles away but still I manage to wear a UST shirt to show my support.

It was one of the best moments in my College life because we love basketball. When I was still a kid I used to play ball with my brother and cousins at our backyard so its like our hobby when we were young.

It’s been 6 yrs since the last championship game, I was still in college and I witnessed the nerve wrecking pressure and excitement that I think most of the students and supporters are experiencing at that moment.

It was a great feeling: the sense of victory, happiness, glory, teamwork and most especially, the feeling of knowing that thousands of schoolmates, alumni and supporters are there watching and cheering for you all the way.

If I was one of the players, I would definitely be overwhelmed and touched. That was in 2006. Now its already 2012 and sad to say, It was a different feeling this time. I myself was hoping it would be the same, like what happened before, but as the saying goes, “Bilog ang bola” – anything can happen and there are no guarantees of winning. It’s just really heartbreaking, seeing there are thousands of Thomasians & supporters watching live and those that are watching on screen in the campuses and on their respective homes, praying for a repeat victory. Most of them even wore yellow as a sign of support and appreciation for getting back in the top 2 spots.

However, there can only be one winner. It can never be a tie or a draw. Unfortunately, we’re on the Loser spot. It’s not that they didn’t do their best or that the support is not enough. It’s not just their time. The crown is just not for them. Not yet.

Losing doesn’t mean we’ll stop fighting. Bowing down and admitting defeat doesn’t necessarily mean ‘Giving up’. Most of the time it simply means, “Stay alert… for we’ll get you next time.” Til the next season Tigers!

Rock for a Cause…

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Its been a while since my last post.. I couldn’t say I’m busy from work, I’m not lazy either. I just ran out of stuffs to say and my mind went blank for quite some time (lol). So anyways, I was invited to this concert by my friends. It was a Pinoy fund raising concert to help our fellow Pinoys in the Philippines through Red Cross. The concert was fun, I never thought there would be lots of Pinoy Indie bands here in Kuwait and most of them are really good and friendly. I felt like I’m in Manila at that time, minus the shots and pulutans haha. I’m looking forward to more performances and concerts this coming months, at least those events would make me feel relaxed when I’m stressed from work, lessen the feeling of being homesick because having such activities makes me feel like I’m home.

 

 

 

Shoturdays

Naalala ko na naman un mga shoturdays naming walang humpay na hindi nakukuntento at natatapos sa inuman lamang. Shempre meron din simpleng kwentuhan, umaatikabong barahan at higit sa lahat, un laslas pulsong pag eemote nung mga sa unang tagay pa lang e basag na. lols. Pero kahit ganun ang takbo ng shoturdays namin eh iba iba naman ang tema at may mga hindi inaasahang nangyayari din naman. Tulad na lang ng mga surpresang bisitang bigla na lang sumusulpot kahit hindi imbitado, yung mga bigla na lang naglalahong parang bula kapag shot na nila, yung mga nagbubugbugan dahil napika sa banat nung isa at higit sa lahat, ang eviction ng sino mang sa kasawiang palad ay mapagbuhusan ng topak ng mga taong “Anti-Shoturday”. haha At hindi pa dun natatapos ang lahat, meron din namang Special Shoturday: eto yung mga sessions na bumabaha ng alak at pulutan na hindi mo na alam kung kanino galing, yung biglang dumagsa ang mga taong hayok sa alak na kahit hindi pa naghahapunan ay tumatagay na, yung mga kahit nasa kabilang village na eh considered kapitbahay pa din at eto rin yung mga oras na merong sitwasyon na kakakilala mo pa lang, kaibigan mo na. Wala rin itong pinipiling edad, ikaw man ay tatay, nanay o lola na, kung kaya pa ay welcome tumagay. Wala rin itong pinipiling kasarian, dahil isa sa mga rule ng mga Shoturday gang: NO DISCRIMINATION. Pwera na lang siguro kung ikaw ay isang “anti”, kill joy o in short isa kang agaw trip. Mas makakabuting wag ka nang umupo at makihalubilo kung ayaw mong mabara, masapak o umuwi ng luhaan.

Ang haba ng introduction ko pero eto lang naman ang gusto kong ishare (lols)… Kaya naisip ko yung mga shoturdays na napuntahan ko at yung mga shoturdays na wala ako. Hayyyy, panigurado nito pagbalik ko ay umaatikabong Shoturday marathon ang gagawin ko, para pambawi sa mga tambay na namiss ko. O sya… kaya ko lang naalala un sessions namin dahil dito, sa kasawiang palad ingles sya haha. Para sa mga laslas pulsong emoterong makakabasa nito.

The Agony of Lost Love

When you lose someone, someone you love, when they break your heart, it’s the hardest thing you could ever go through, and no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. You may think you’re getting better, but then you get a flash back, or hear a song that reminds you of a memory, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in the chest, you fall apart for the hundredth time. You love this person with all of your heart, even though you know you shouldn’t. They hurt you worse than you’ve ever been hurt. They stole your happiness; but yet, you still want them, and only them. Other people come along and give you chances to move on but you know you don’t want to. It upsets you that you might be moving on, because you promised you never would; and even if they broke all their promises, you want to keep yours. On top of that, you’re terrified; terrified of getting hurt again. You don’t want to miss them anymore. you don’t want to love them anymore.

What’s your word?

I’ve always wanted to learn another language besides English and Tagalog of course. Fascinated by the other languages such as Italian, Spanish and Korean that I tried reading a book in Spanish and tried translating it in English and it’s so freaking hard if you’re not speaking or even practicing it. Well I learned a bit of Korean from a couple of friends, and by watching Korean movies, but I want to learn more. So I told myself from this day forward, I’ll try to learn a new word everyday. But it’s just not any word, it must have a meaning or purpose or it can serve as my reflection for the day. It actually took me four hours pondering on what word actually fits the day. Finally I came up with this word: “cercare” - an Italian word for seek. “To seek” or to find yourself, to look for something that’s missing. I have no idea why I ended up with this word, probably because my purpose for leaving is to find myself: To see if there’s more beyond my comfort zone that’s worth exploring. Sometimes we go as far as we can so we can really recognize who we really are, what we’re capable of. Away from the family that is always ‘linked’ to who we are, to what we do, from friends that ‘defines’ our personality and from the environment that makes us feel ‘secured’.

But sometimes, being away or going away is not just ‘to seek’, but also ‘to hide’ from the things that we want to forget, from the things that haunts us. To stay away from the things that hurt and to seek for happiness wherever it may be and for the things that we think we really deserve…

And so now I ask you… qual è la tua parola? What’s your word?

 

 

 

leaving all behind and moving on…

One of the most difficult things is life is leaving and moving on. I remember when I was about to graduate from high school, I felt sad and scared at the same time. I felt sad because I am leaving my school behind where I had most of the funniest and happy memories of my childhood, my teachers who not only served as my mentors but my pals as well and of course, my best friends. The thought of being away from them made me feel depressed at that time, but that’s life: we grow up, we change, we move on.

Then when I was about to graduate from college, I felt the same feeling again, even worst. Not only that I was scared, I was terrified. What will happen now? This is not like high school where I’d still be doing the same stuffs I’m doing in high school only it’ll just be in a different environment, a higher level. This time, I will move on alone… by myself. No one to be with, no one to tell me what I’m gonna do next, or where the next step is. It’s all up to me now. But then again, I don’t want to be stuck doing the same thing all over again, flunk-enroll again-study. It’s like staying in college forever. It’s like I have no progress, at all. SO no matter how scared I am of what wil happen next, I still went on. I graduated, left school and got a job: I Grew up and moved on…

Then after 5 years of working, I got a job offer in Kuwait. This time I had mixed feelings: there’s a part of me that felt happy and excited because of the opportunity that’s been given to me, again the feeling of being scared and nervous because I’d be stepping up another level, and of course the feeling of sadness, because I had to leave everything behind, including my family, my friends and my life. To start my life anew, in an unfamiliar environment: to work and meet new people, experience what it is to be away from home. I’ve matured and moved on… The hardest part of it though was saying goodbye and leaving. When I was processing all my documents, I was excited, but when the time came for me to leave, it was like hell. It’s like my feet’s chained, I’m having a hard time walking towards the airport entrance. I hugged my folks and siblings as quick as possible because I really suck at goodbyes. And seeing my teary eyed mom makes me wanna cry so I turned around as quickly as possible and head off to the check in lounge before I change my mind. That was the first time I’m leaving home and it was really hard for me. It’s harder than breaking up with someone. Even though we have a lot to argue, they say I am ‘mio papà della ragazza’ – my daddy’s girl that’s why its hard for me to leave. But in reality, I’m scared of being in another country, alone, this time for real. When I was on the plane, I thought I was already relaxed, but then when the plane took off, out of no where, I burst into tears and inside of me felt like standing up and getting out of the plane. BUT This is my choice, no one made this decision for me so I have to deal with it. Everything happens for a reason, and whatever it is I guess I have to find it out myself. And now here I am, working my ass out, trying to be productive and looking forward on the next time that I’ll be home. And I’m still not used to saying goodbye, I think I never will…  The quick hugs and crying during take offs are still there everytime I leave home. I am such a drama queen, and I don’t care. At least I know I’m still alive, I can still feel…

“Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.”

That’s the great paradox of living on this earth, that in the midst of great pain you can have great joy as well. If we didn’t have those things we’d just be numb.                                                                 - Kathy Mattea

“teniamo andare avanti” – let’s keep moving forward…

MY DAILY WUHT?! 052212

“I want a love that consumes me.”