My Daily Wuht?! 041712

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Dear God,

I’m in a huge trouble… I could use a little break from this cycle, to give myself some space to discover what I look like and talk like when I’m not trying to merge with someone. And also, let’s be honest–it might be a generous public service for me to leave intimacy alone for a while. When I scan back on my romantic record, it doesn’t look so good. It’s been one catastrophe after another. How many more different types of men can I keep trying to love, and continue to fail? Think of it this way–if you’d had ten serious traffic accidents in a row, wouldn’t they eventually take your driver’s license away? Wouldn’t you kind of want them to?

There’s a final reason I’m hesitant to get involved with someone else. I still happen to be in love with him, (I know I know, I lied, I’m crazy and stupid.) and I don’t think that’s fair to the next guy. I don’t even know if we totally broken up yet since there was no closure. But we were still admitting that we both harbored hopes that maybe someday… well I know I did…

I don’t want to continue hoping either because I don’t even know, maybe I am the only one being this way. I am not closing doors to anybody, in fact if someone comes along and I happen or we happen to feel a connection, wouldn’t that be great?  But then when I’m in the stage where I’m about to jump in and take the risk, fear suddenly comes up and say, “Hey, its been a while and I think I’ll stick a little bit longer this time. I bet you’ll end up just the way you were before.” It’s like it (fear) is saying that I will fail again for the nth time and that I never learn. I’m only human, I can be brave on other things but when it comes to getting hurt, I chicken out. If only my laptop can talk he would probably say, “you are one confusing, crazy and annoying girl… make up your mind!  Jump in, tell the truth or chicken out?” All I know is I just want to be happy, just like everyone else: with their families, with someone…

mangiare, pregare e amare

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