leaving all behind and moving on…

One of the most difficult things is life is leaving and moving on. I remember when I was about to graduate from high school, I felt sad and scared at the same time. I felt sad because I am leaving my school behind where I had most of the funniest and happy memories of my childhood, my teachers who not only served as my mentors but my pals as well and of course, my best friends. The thought of being away from them made me feel depressed at that time, but that’s life: we grow up, we change, we move on.

Then when I was about to graduate from college, I felt the same feeling again, even worst. Not only that I was scared, I was terrified. What will happen now? This is not like high school where I’d still be doing the same stuffs I’m doing in high school only it’ll just be in a different environment, a higher level. This time, I will move on alone… by myself. No one to be with, no one to tell me what I’m gonna do next, or where the next step is. It’s all up to me now. But then again, I don’t want to be stuck doing the same thing all over again, flunk-enroll again-study. It’s like staying in college forever. It’s like I have no progress, at all. SO no matter how scared I am of what wil happen next, I still went on. I graduated, left school and got a job: I Grew up and moved on…

Then after 5 years of working, I got a job offer in Kuwait. This time I had mixed feelings: there’s a part of me that felt happy and excited because of the opportunity that’s been given to me, again the feeling of being scared and nervous because I’d be stepping up another level, and of course the feeling of sadness, because I had to leave everything behind, including my family, my friends and my life. To start my life anew, in an unfamiliar environment: to work and meet new people, experience what it is to be away from home. I’ve matured and moved on… The hardest part of it though was saying goodbye and leaving. When I was processing all my documents, I was excited, but when the time came for me to leave, it was like hell. It’s like my feet’s chained, I’m having a hard time walking towards the airport entrance. I hugged my folks and siblings as quick as possible because I really suck at goodbyes. And seeing my teary eyed mom makes me wanna cry so I turned around as quickly as possible and head off to the check in lounge before I change my mind. That was the first time I’m leaving home and it was really hard for me. It’s harder than breaking up with someone. Even though we have a lot to argue, they say I am ‘mio papà della ragazza’ – my daddy’s girl that’s why its hard for me to leave. But in reality, I’m scared of being in another country, alone, this time for real. When I was on the plane, I thought I was already relaxed, but then when the plane took off, out of no where, I burst into tears and inside of me felt like standing up and getting out of the plane. BUT This is my choice, no one made this decision for me so I have to deal with it. Everything happens for a reason, and whatever it is I guess I have to find it out myself. And now here I am, working my ass out, trying to be productive and looking forward on the next time that I’ll be home. And I’m still not used to saying goodbye, I think I never will…  The quick hugs and crying during take offs are still there everytime I leave home. I am such a drama queen, and I don’t care. At least I know I’m still alive, I can still feel…

“Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.”

That’s the great paradox of living on this earth, that in the midst of great pain you can have great joy as well. If we didn’t have those things we’d just be numb.                                                                 – Kathy Mattea

“teniamo andare avanti” – let’s keep moving forward…


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